DISCLAIMER: This post mentions grief, infant loss, death, and possibly more triggering topics. If these topics trigger you in anyway with absolutely zero offense taken I urge you to close this post. If you are looking for a help with one of these subjects or are needing a professional in the mental health field please go to https://openpathcollective.org where you can find resources and counselors in your area. This post is not sponsored in anyway.
I feel like I am going crazy. My name is Brandea and I am a bereaved parent. I’v never said that out loud but I am. And I think my grief is trying to kill me. Let me explain.
Last night I went to bed and everything was normal as it could be. I had a smile on my face and today I woke up confused and in tears and pain. Physically I was fine but emotionally I was destroyed. I couldn’t catch my breath when I woke up. I couldn’t stop crying and I wondered if I was as crazy as my dream made me sound. See I had a dream that my husband and I had dropped Alicia off at daycare. And when I went to pick her up no one knew who I was or who she was. She never existed to them. So I called my mom and my husband in a frantic panic and they had no idea who I was talking about. Telling me I was crazy and that none of that ever happened. So I kept calling people frantically trying to find her and I finally did. She grabbed my neck and we hugged tight then I told her I was scared and I would never let her go again. Then she was gone and I was on the ground in a grave yard sitting and staring at a stone with her name on it. Last night I went to bed and everything was as normal as it could be. And today I woke up broken. I feel broken. I was a baby myself when I had her only barely 19 years old. I never even lived before I lost her and now I will live with losing her for the rest of my life. And sometimes it doesn’t feel real still.
am I going crazy I don’t know. Some days it feels like she was never even here that I made it up in my head. How can someone be here and just be gone for 9 years. How can someone exist and then just not. How can one moment you hear there voice then the next moment you never hear it again? Sometimes I just want to scream. I don’t understand why this happened. I don’t understand why life felt like it needed to break me. But it did. It broke me.
And for a while I think I’m fine then I’m drowning in grief again at the most random times. I don’t know what it is about our brains that can’t fully comprehend and process grief but sometimes I am grateful for it and other times I am not. I had a baby and I got 3 months and 21 days with her. I watched her die as her organs shut down and I had to make the call. And now she’s gone and I don’t know how I can ever live with that. I don’t know how I can spend the next 50-60 years drowning over and over again in my grief. Waking up and feeling her presence on my arm or feeling crazy or waking up with tears streaming down my face. Waking my husband up by screaming in my sleep because I am visually watching her bleed out in my dreams. I don’t know how I am ever gonna survive this grief. But I have had enough for a lifetime or more and Im over it. I just had to put it out there. I feel like I am going crazy and I just had to say I’m hurting and I’m drowning and today I am not okay.
I would say hopefully someone can relate however I don’t actually wish that at all because the pain is often unbearable and I wouldn’t wish it on a single soul. It would just be nice to know I am not going crazy.